Wednesday Blues... :(

Okey...

I hope people don´t think that i am just chillin´by the beach in L.A 

with no worries in the world..

THEY ARE WRONG!!!

I know a lot of my blog is from cool things i´ve been to

and great friends that makes it all better :)

But i want you to know the other sides of staying here..

not just the fun ones...

The REAL ones!

Its freakin´hard to live here!

It feels like NOTHING is easy

I´ve always had to work my ass off to achieve ANYTHING in life

which i am very used to- and proud of!!

I have never been handed anything in life without putting in sweat and tears

And i know my occupation demands a lot of work

200%

and i did NOT think it was gonna be easy

BUT HELL, i haven´t been handed the easiest cards to play either!

I worked YEARS to get my Visa

I had a whole freakin´folder with info on me and my career

And i had to get newspaper clips from back in 94 confirmed

EVERY bloody day i had to contact these Magazines and ask for my papers

IT all took SOOOO much time

And now when i finally got my visa

(a week after signing a lease in Oslo...of course)

It appears the parts that i can work over here on this visa 

is for LEADING lady only!

WHO the HELL starts out doing only principal parts...?? 

Seriously US Immigrations????

So to get an Agent, the Agents want you to be SAG

(The Union for film actors...it costs $2500 to join)

And to be SAG you need to do SMALL roles for extra companies-

this to get three SAG vouchers you need to get to join..

And since i am not allowed to do smaller parts, 

i can´t get these freakin´vouchers

And i can´t become SAG

And i won´t get the agents that pays well and get you the bigger parts...

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

I am going to all these auditions

(Which is great)

But they pay close to nothing

or you work for free..

So i am stressing with the whole survival issue...

And i am trying to find a job so HARD

that i don´t sleep at night..

And so that i don´t have to move home before i even get started

Some days i feel like i can taste all the possibilities that awaits me

and i am sooo ready to get this show on the road!

And other days i just wanna lay down, give up and cry my eyeballs out!

And on those days i really miss my family even more..

Today was a day like that...

I have tried in every direction to get a job that i am not totally overqualified for

and every time i get close, something happens and shuts it down..

Like this job i was gonna do for Miss Usa, 

which is of course when i am back in Norway in June to work...

And the job i DID get, 

came at the same time as another job that also pays well..

and i can´t say yes to both..

So last night i just got this anxiety attack

feeling that this just won´t work

if i don´t get a job soon- it´s over!

Before it started...

So laying in bed sleepless

AND with this crazy bitch on the street outside my window 

yelling on her cellphone at her boyfriend- for EVER!

I actually had to yell out the window

"SHUT THE FUCK UP"!!!!!

(She pulled the New Yorker out of me..) 

So i was SO tired and probably overly sensitive

that when i woke up, 

i just did not want to get out of bed to deal with all this shit!

Of course when i DID get out of bed

my Dad and Bo could tell me that i had even more bills

and more things to deal with in Norway..

My student funds can´t be postponed

My Norwegian Acting Union wants me to pay twice as much annually

and my accountant sent her first bill...

My bank has something wrong with its internet-

so i can´t pay my bills, and i will get the past due charge on them to top it off. 

And these are only the bills in Norway..

Wonder why i didn´t want to get out of bed?

So today i´ve had NO energy

no zest for life

no faith in my ideas

and i did not know where to start

My head is full and on OVERLOAD!

I DID manage to drag my butt to the gym

So i hoped that was gonna help

Maybe it will pay off tomorrow.

So yes...if  you think this life is a walk in the park

THINK AGAIN!

Sometimes i wish i just wanted an A4 life 

with the dog, house, children and a hubby...

And then i have to think really hard if that would have made me happy...

What would i do when the kids grew up

what would i do when they were in kindergarten 

I want a life  for myself too

and i don´t have a Plan B

This is my Plan

and it has to work out

somehow...

I am parachuting

without a parachute :) 

But to show you the good things in life

i leave you with this...

Life is beautiful!! :)

    

Good night everyone!